Today is my Birthday…

For some reason I keep adding years to my numerical age… every year I think that I am a year older than I am… then I do the math.  All year I have been saying that I am going to be a year older than I really am. I’ve been that way my entire life.

Do the math… I am not as old I keep thinking I am. Besides the fact that I really do not celebrate my birthday… it is just another day. Except on Facebook… holy cow, I’m not used to so much attention on my birthday. I’m kind of liking this form of technology.  Thank you to all of my Facebook friends for the Birthday wishes. They are very much appreciated.

Overall today was an uneventful day. Well, it was unless you ask Fred about it.

I rode my bike to work today, on the roads, in traffic (NOT the freeway – I’m not ready for those yet.)

Fred said I scared him to death… I actually felt pretty good.

There are a few quirks that I need to work out but that requires (_|_) time in the seat.

I have to get to know my bike and get comfortable riding it. He came to get me after work and escorted me home – well, almost home.

My bike broke down about two blocks from work and we had to push it into a parking lot until we could get a trailer and get it back home. We knew that we have been having an electrical problem and today it all became very clear.

No more riding my bike until we get these issues fixed.

Fred seems convinced that I need to learn to ride on a less temperamental bike… I disagree. This is my bike, I have to learn to ride it.  I feel good on it.

Yes, I am killing it on occasion, that is part of the learning process. Seriously, today is only the third time that I have actually ridden the bike. If I gave up every time something was “hard” I would never do anything.

The feel of the wind on my face and the power under my seat. It is all good. Very good.

I feel pretty good for being a birthday girl and commuting to work for the first time via motorcycle. I can’t wait until she’s up and running again.

Learning to ask for help…

This (learning to ask for help) should be an item on my LIFE LIST, but I don’t think it will be something that I ever accomplish fully.

It has been a busy few days… and I think it is okay to talk about it now.

Mom has had me call a few people (friends and relatives) to let them know that she’s in the hospital.

We had quite a scare yesterday… I actually thought I may have lost her all together. Seeing her unresponsive was really quite frightening and totally unexpected.

Fortunately it is nothing life threatening and she’ll be okay. She passed out due to low blood pressure and collapsed to the floor. In the process she really banged up her head and after multiple CT scans and x-rays it has been determined that she fractured her spine in the neck area… I guess you can say that she has broken her neck. As I said, we are fortunate that it is not worse and after a few days in the hospital she will be going to rehab until she can come home.

I am most thankful that I was home and that Fred and I are living with her. It is frightening to think what would have happened had we not been there for her.

It isn’t as if my mom is “fragile” or “feeble” – she isn’t.  She is strong, smart and independent.  She drives (even if I tease her about it) and gets around on her own without a lot of assistance. Sure, there are things that are difficult for her to do now, and that is where Fred and I are able to assist. It is my pleasure to do those things.

There were many years where I was too far away to assist with the activities of daily living and my brothers took care of things… now it is my turn. Well, it’s not really a “turn”… it is a privilege.

Things have been very stressful for her the past few years with my father’s increasing health issues and with his passing this past January. She’s having to adjust to things and take on tasks that she has not had to do in quite a while. Add in the fact that Fred and I have moved in and her life is completely different from what it was just a short time ago.

I really love my mom… she is SUPER DUPER AWESOME! (LOVE YOU MOM!)

As Fred and I were waiting in the Emergency Room to see what was up (5 1/2 hours) she went from being somewhat out of it and confused to being her “normal” self. In that time I was in contact with my brothers letting them know what was up. At one point my middle brother suggested that he would come down with my niece.

My first reaction was that they didn’t need to come down yet because mom wasn’t even in a room. What I failed to see at the time was that my brother was offering to come down and “spell” me and wait with mom so that I could get something to eat and take a break! DUH!  Once I realized this I was like “yes, please come… it would be nice to get something to eat and pick some things up at home for mom“…

My family is great. We’ve even been told by the nursing staff (from both my dad’s last hospitalization and my mom’s current care team) that they just love how involved we are and how kind, thoughtful and caring we are toward each other.

I love that Fred is a part of my family now as well. I don’t know what I would have done yesterday if he had not been with me to support me while attending to my mom and her emergency.

It is nice to know that I finally do not have to do everything on my own. I am not alone and I am not expected to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

This allows me to take care of my own business while attending to family business.  Sharing the load means that we can all do more. While I really miss Juneau, it is nice to be so close to family and have all of this support.

That leads me to my second big accomplishment of today. I met with a financial counselor. With my divorce in what seems to be a never-ending limbo and with my assets frozen pending the divorce, my move from Alaska to Seattle and my decrease in income it is getting more difficult to keep up with the marital debts and the WASband has not, does not and will not contribute in any way.  One of my goals is to become debt free… one way or another that will happen. Today was a big step in avoiding bankruptcy, but that may still occur depending on the outcome of the divorce.

My intention has always been to pay off the marital debt with the proceeds from the sale of MY house, but the WASband has other plans for that money. At this point the outcome of that “issue” is in the hands of the court.

After my meeting with the financial counselor, Fred and I took Tot for a very short walk at Marymoor Park before we headed back to the hospital for a few hours this evening.

Another accomplishment… I walked three times this week for a total of  6.26 miles.

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I love walking with Fred. He had some (more) words of wisdom for me today. I know I have said this before, but sometimes I forget myself… He reminded me that while this (the divorce) is frustrating and sometimes it seems that things are not going well or that I am not being treated fairly, that no matter what the outcome is, I am going to be happy.

The WASband may think he’ll be happy if he “wins” but there are no winners in this divorce. He may get everything he is asking for but he’ll still be unhappy and he’ll still be miserable.  I’ve already moved on.  I’ve already accepted that I may lose “everything”… but in all reality none of that “stuff” matters.

Everything happens for a reason. We moved from Alaska to be with my mom and thank goodness we did because at this moment in time she needed us and we were here. The issues with the marital debt, looking for a new job, living in Washington, putting our plans on hold because of different circumstances, are all things that are happening because they have a purpose. I may not be able to see what the plan is, but in the end everything is happening for a reason and at the time it is supposed to happen.

Rather than trying to control the outcome of things I need to try to influence things by being the best person I can be and doing the “right” things at the right time, but I also need to accept things. Everything happens for a reason, in its own time and at its own pace.

Every day that I let go of “stuff” I am that much closer to being free.

I already have what matters most: My family, my friends, my life… and LOVE. Everything else will fall into place.

 

 

 

 

 

Before…

Ugh… the dreaded “before” shot… here it is…

I wasn’t going to put my weight out there, but here it is… 241 lbs – ugh! I’ve been bigger but I’ve never felt this sloppy. I am sagging and bagging in places that I have never had issues with before… age? Most likely a factor but certainly not the only reason. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and really am not having any fun shopping for anything clothes related.

I appreciate that my guy loves me regardless of my size.  He doesn’t vary his affection or attention based on how I look or what size I am. He tells me that I am beautiful all of the time… and not just when I am dressed up. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that, or how much it actually helps me in my efforts to become a healthier version of myself.

I am not doing this by myself.  I have a partner and a helper.

The goal is NOT to be skinny, the goal is to be healthy. Emotionally and physically.

Healthy for me is not the recommended weight of 143 pounds for my height. That is way too small for me.  I am happier and healthier at about 165 pounds. That is the long-term goal. I feel good at that weight. Strong and fit.

The immediate goal is 5% of my current weight. Not in a big hurry here. One step, day and choice at a time.

Today, Fred, Tot and I took a short walk around the neighborhood.  It was a beautiful day – sunny and cool.

It feels a bit strange still to be back in my old neighborhood but we’ll adjust.

2.06 mi walk, time 51:40, 162 kCal 25:05 min/mi

Do not go gentle into that good night…

by Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Death and dying, life and living. Two seemingly opposite ends of the spectrum.

My family has gathered in this place to  support each other and my father as he transitions into the next phase.

We have been sharing stories, laughing and crying. Holding his hands, touching his face. Bestowing our love and kisses upon him.

My younger brother posted this passage on his Facebook page on my daddy’s birthday – January 26th. It so eloquently shares what I wanted to say but could not find the words at the time.

Today my Father is 77, and we his family stand vigil at his bedside as he has reached the last of his days.

I am thankful for all the time we have had together. Thankful that my family is here for my Father, for my Mother, and for each other. Thankful that when he passes we will not wonder if we told him that we loved him often enough.

My Father has been the needle for the compass of my life. Even though I have sometimes had the wrong map, or simply navigated poorly, that compass has always pointed true.

For those who have never known my Father, I wish you could know him as I have. I think you would like him. He was quite simply a good man, who did his best to teach his children how to be good people. Not with words, but just by being a good person and letting us learn from that. He has a simple humanity and humility, and cares deeply about his family. What he most wants for his children is for them to find their own way, make their own path, and to be good people. He wants us to live, to love, and to laugh, and above all else, to be family and care for one another.

We his children have also learned other things from him. We have learned to fight for what we believe in, to stand up for those who cannot stand for themselves, to have compassion, and to show forgiveness. We learned this from him, because this is what he did. We have always known that he loves us, even when we disagreed. We have always known that he cared for us. He showed us in many ways what it means to be human, and that humans are sometimes frail, sometimes scared, and sometimes make mistakes, and that the best of humanity is to continue doing the right thing anyway.

So we his children stand at his bedside, holding vigil, ensuring that in the last of his days he knows that we love him. In the quiet moments we weep, in joy for the moments we have had, in sorrow for moments that will never be. We laugh, from fond memories of good times. We are thankful for each other, and that this man was our father.

A part of my Father will live on, in the memories that we his family carry. He lives on in the lessons we have learned from him. He lives on in a thousand little ways. We his children know for sure that our lives are better for his having been a part.

To my Father. I love you. I hope that as I mature I will even better learn the things you have tried to teach me.

This morning, shortly before 9am, my Father passed away. He left this world, peacefully in his sleep, surrounded by his children.

We thank our Father for the legacy he has left us; A peaceful Strength, Kindness, and Compassion.

We thank everyone for their kind words, thoughts and prayers.

I’m officially OLD…

Well, life as I know it changed today… I am officially OLD! Just ordered my first pair of bifocals. I know, this is not a surprise. I’ve known for quite some time that bifocals were in my near future and not something that would be way out there… sometime.

What clue did I have?  Well, the same clues we all have… my eyesight is pretty poor to begin with. I am VERY near-sighted and the thought of having to have my prescription changed because my near sightedness was going kaput just was not fair.

I have been squinting at the computer screen and my iPhone for at least a year. My Kindle font is LARGE and I just figured out how to increase the font size for my computer and web browsers (on demand).

My eyesight is just now getting back to “normal” after having my eyes dilated. For a few hours all I could see was a big blur and headlights on the road that looked like flying saucers. At least I was smart enough to have someone else drive me home.

Well, this is life as I know it… at least for today…