My MOM

My MOM. LOVE her like crazy!

She is awesome!

I love that we can laugh and be silly together.

I feel blessed to be able to spend the time with her that I do. Work and life are busy but I like seeing her everyday and talking to her everyday.

We are two peas in a pod.

Love you momma, thank you for being you.

Putting it all out there…

“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. The new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor’s Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior

This is how I feel now… peaceful… clear and focused. Beautiful. Strong.

There is something frightening about putting yourself “out there”.  Opening yourself to others. In a public forum. Exposing your imperfections with the knowledge that criticism is certain to follow.

The courage to blog about the good, the bad and the ugly in my life comes from others.

Others who have been strong and courageous enough to share their stories. Others who have assisted me in finding myself again. People who have assisted me in gaining the strength to remove myself from a situation where I felt worthless, useless and unloved.

Maybe by writing about my experiences and my recovery, I will be able to help someone else. Maybe I will be the person that gives them courage to make a positive change in their own life.

Life does move on… and it can (and will) be better.

I have been writing in journals for years. As long as I can remember.

Journals are safe. They are private.

They are telling.

For many years, I allowed fear to keep me from sharing things that were traumatic for me. Afraid of being judged or criticized. Afraid of being blamed for allowing myself to be sucked into less than desirable situations and relationships.

By reviewing my journals, I am seeing with new eyes what I was living with. I am learning why I stayed, even though every fiber in my body screamed to GET OUT!

I am learning more each day about HOW I was drawn to men that were not good for me. Learning to accept my past, and learning how to create my future.

There are a number of “communities” on Facebook, and blogs, and web sites, devoted to supporting people working to free themselves of toxic (and abusive) relationships, or supporting them in their recovery from such relationships.

I found this story on one of those sites:

A fence : A story with a great moral…

There once was a young boy with a very bad temper. The boy’s father wanted to teach him a lesson, so he gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper he must hammer a nail into their wooden fence.

On the first day of this lesson, the little boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. He was really mad!

Over the course of the next few weeks, the little boy began to control his temper, so the number of nails that were hammered into the fence dramatically decreased.

It wasn’t long before the little boy discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Then, the day finally came when the little boy didn’t lose his temper even once, and he became so proud of himself, he couldn’t wait to tell his father.

Pleased, his father suggested that he now pull out one nail for each day that he could hold his temper.

Several weeks went by and the day finally came when the young boy was able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

Very gently, the father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.

“You have done very well, my son,” he smiled, “but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same.”

The little boy listened carefully as his father continued to speak.

“When you say things in anger, they leave permanent scars just like these. And no matter how many times you say you’re sorry, the wounds will still be there.” ~ Mark Pothier

This story is a good example of the damage, unseen and unrecognized by the constant pounding.

A response posted to this story suggested filling the holes with putty - If ONLY it was that easy.

Had I formed a “habit” of being with abusive and controlling men, I would have started to question my own sanity, my own judgement.

Yes, I made a mistake, two times in fact. I don’t know if I will ever learn why these two “(less than) men” were able to get past my defenses. But they did.

Relative to the other men in my life, I would have to say that my track record is really not all that bad.

In my lifetime I have been involved with a number of very honorable men, REAL MEN. Men who were/are full of integrity. Considerate and thoughtful men.

They are friends, brothers, uncles, cousins, and my dad. Men who are examples for other men.

One is my best friend and my lover.

He encourages me to be who I AM. To learn and grow. To explore and to LIVE.

The kind of betrayal that survivors of abuse experience ends up impacting every aspect of our lives.  Personal relationships, work experiences, friendships… all are impacted in some way.

Often times we don’t even realize how. We get into survival mode. Put up barriers. Hide our emotions. Wrap ourselves in a cocoon of numbness.

If we are lucky, we allow ourselves to feel again. To TRUST.

What I have learned is that I can’t let the experiences of the past dictate my future.  They can be used as a guide, but they cannot control my future.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Related articles

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If you can’t laugh at yourself…

you are in serious trouble.

I found out early in life that it was easier to laugh at myself than it was to be laughed at.  I used to tell on myself because it saved me the embarrassment of having my brothers share stories about the “dumb” things that I did.

And then…

Fred came around… he commented early on in our relationship that he liked that I sang whenever and wherever.

I would be working on the canoe or we’d be hiking a trail and I would be humming or singing to myself.

Since he didn’t seem to mind I kept singing. It wasn’t until we were well into our relationship that he started asking me “WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE MONEY YOUR MOMMA GAVE YOU FOR SINGING LESSONS?”

Really?!!!! I know I’m not the best singer (I play the Bassoon for a reason) but I refuse to let that keep me from enjoying myself and singing a tune if I feel like it.

It’s not like I am delusional and think that I can audition for The Voice.

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what is love? | views from the red brick road

what is love? | views from the red brick road.

I found this blog tonight… could be me writing this… Spot on if you ask me.

Thank you M for your words and insights…

Related articles

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Change of plans… Well, not really a change, a firm decision… finally…

I worked for many years developing my “career”… went to school (three times), finished two degrees (a BA and a Masters), and did the “career ladder” thing.

I had plans… BIG PLANS!

I don’t know if my plans were based on what I really wanted (or thought I wanted) or based on a need to prove people wrong… or right.

Or maybe, just maybe, I made my plans based on a need to ensure that I would be able to support myself and my family.

Sure, when I got my first degree I had a plan. That plan was that I would always be able to support myself, and be self-sufficient, it was not that I would become some high-powered executive.

When I got married, many moons ago, I thought that I would be a homemaker. I thought I would be home raising a brood of kids. Serving on PTA committees and volunteering with local organizations. I dreamed of a country garden and growing my own vegetables and sewing my own clothes.

Part of the desire to get a degree and make sure I was “employable” was based on my observations of women who got married, raised a family, and then found themselves alone with no experience, education or ability to support themselves.

That was not going to be me.

After the WASband became ill and I found myself supporting him, I did what I thought I needed to do to ensure that I would be able to support him over the long haul.

The future was uncertain and I was either going to be a widow at some point OR I would be the main income earner. Either way I knew that I needed to go back to school and make sure that I had the education and credentials that I needed to survive.

I learned a lot during that 20 some years. Some of what I learned was that people can really be stupid and insensitive. I can’t tell you how many times people commented that I should be HOME “taking care” of my husband. Really? Were they going to pay the bills and make sure that we had health insurance? When we were first married I was working three jobs in order to support us and make sure he had the care and medications that he needed. Talk to me about staying home after you put food on my table and pay my rent/mortgage. Deal? I didn’t think so.

I have fantasized over the years about what I would really like to “do”… mostly my dreams revolve around self-employment and being creative.

At one point I looked at being a caretaker of a remote mountain retreat. A solitary type of existence where I would be required to rely on myself and develop a wide variety of skills.

As my responsibilities grew at home, I found myself in the healthcare field. Advancing my career relatively quickly with an eye toward becoming a rural health care executive. A small hospital CEO.

I earned multiple awards, licenses and certifications. I joined civic groups, professional associations, sat of boards of non-profits and even served in executive roles for various organizations.

Networking was a way of life. I made acquaintances and friends all over the world.

Proud of my “career” and my potential I just kept doing what I thought I needed to do to get ahead.

Was I happy? No, not at all… really. I convinced people that this was what I wanted to do, but the higher up I got in management the more miserable I became.

Maybe part of this was a result of the home environment and the horrible marriage. I did the best I could with what I had but we really didn’t start out all that well to begin with. If he hadn’t of become ill, I highly doubt the marriage would have lasted for as long as it did.

There was an overwhelming sense of responsibility that I had to be everything and take care of everything. After a few years, I actually used my career to escape from home. The busier I was, the less time I had to spend with that miserable @ss of a WASband. I was there when I needed to be and there when he needed me, but anytime I could get away I did. Work was my refuge.

The more money I made the worse it got… he was never satisfied. I could have been the queen of Sheba and independently wealthy and that would not have been enough for him.

I thought I was fooling people, but I wasn’t. Now that I am divorced, I am fully aware of just how obvious the misery was to others. Even if they didn’t say anything.

I have consistently toyed with the idea of following my passion… what that passion is… I am not exactly sure.

There are so many things that I like to do. So many talents and things that I could do. None of them are “traditional” in the sense of having a career and making a living.

I made a HUGE career decision when I moved back to my home town and back in with my mom after my dad passed away. I had enough contacts that I could have gotten a management position in a local hospital but quite frankly I didn’t want one.

When I was interviewing for positions for staff roles I kept getting questions about why I wasn’t looking for a management role, would I be happy in a staff position, and so forth.

No matter what I said, I had a difficult time convincing potential employers that I would be quite happy in a role that did not involve managing people or things. For a change it would be nice to not take work home and that for a change I may actually have a life outside of work.

I have toyed with going back into management… I am a natural leader. I am suited to management. Quite frankly however, I am not suited to working my tail off and not having a life. Not any more. There is not enough money that makes me want to jump back into that life.

With that in mind, I have decided to let my professional certifications and memberships lapse. That was a very difficult decision to make. I worked very hard for those certifications. Very hard. When I got my membership renewal notices in the mail I decided that I was not going to renew them since I was not planning on going back into those fields at a level that would need or utilize them.

My gut wrenched at the thought and then I took a breath and determined that hanging on to them was really just hanging onto a life that I have moved beyond.

I am happier than I have ever been. Sure, I make about what I did when I was first entering my career field but I also do not require the same income that I did. I am learning to live with less. I no longer have to buy my happiness.

The simple pleasures of life really are what is fulfilling.

I recently changed jobs within my company. For awhile there, I was uncertain of my future. The company had merged with a larger organization and I was getting pressure to do work that I really did not want to do. Another position came open and I was fortunate to be offered that work and I am really enjoying it.

I am still in healthcare (generally) but I have moved into IT. A lot of the work I am doing now, I was doing before, but in a different way. I am learning a new discipline and am able to utilize my previous education and experience. My supervisor is professional and does a great job and I am happy to just “be” an employee… I go home at night and I rarely think about work. Perfect!

My dreams now involve finding a way to work with Fred full-time on the boat. I enjoy the physical labor and the time that we spend together. I can see us working together and traveling and really enjoying what we are doing.

Things are so much easier now. Sure, we have to make an income to meet our basic needs and plan for the future. One thing that we do not have to do is keep up with anyone else. Fred and I only compare our lives to what we are wanting to do and what makes us happy.

There is something so freeing about that… it is that feeling that has convinced me that I am doing the right thing and that is abandoning the rat race for a simpler and more pleasant life.

Question: If you could do anything you wanted for the rest of your “career” (LIFE), what would it be? What’s holding you back?

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Love has no bounds…

I’ll be 47 in just over a month… Forty-SEVEN.  Where did the time go?

The strange thing?  I feel like I am just starting my life.  I’m just starting to live.

I have the rest of my life ahead of me and there is nothing holding me back and nothing that I cannot do. I find myself dreaming… and you know what? dreaming is okay… even if my dreams don’t come true.  It is fun to think about what is possible. It is even more fun to have someone to dream with.

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

I hit the reset button in 2009, and while it was by no means the “easy button“, the effort and sacrifice have been well worth it.

In the process of losing everything, I found myself.

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. ~Anna Quindlen  (born July 8, 1952) is an American author, journalist, and opinion columnist.

Fred and I were listening to the TV this morning (or maybe it was yesterday morning) and there was a therapist talking about how to repair a “broken” relationship.  As I listened to the steps that were outlined, I realized that Fred and I practice those steps every day.

Our relationship isn’t broken and I believe if we continue on the path that we are on, it never will be.

The key to a great relationship is to not let it get broken in the first place.

I guess it is never too late to learn a valuable lesson and in that, every experience is a learning experience. I’ve taken a negative experience (a failed marriage) and turned it into a learning opportunity and a lesson for what NOT to do this time.

I wrote a love letter yesterday.

I tell Fred that I love him everyday and I do my best to demonstrate that love through my actions, but I felt the need to write those words on paper… a visual and permanent demonstration of my feelings. He is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me.

Some of the pointers given in the TV interview included;

• being able to love yourself,
• setting realistic expectations,
• making time to spend together every day – including time to talk without being interrupted,
• being compatible and finding things you like to do together,
• being kind to each other,
• being honest,

and something I felt was really important

• make it new and fresh every day.

We talked about what we heard and we both agreed that we do these things regularly. Relationships don’t have to be difficult, but they take work in the form of attention.

One thing that I constantly work on is not taking anything for granted. I am very fortunate that the man who I love and adore works equally as hard at keeping our relationship healthy.

We love spending time together. We enjoy doing things together – even things that are not always fun.

We can be together quietly and just “be” together without having to be “together“.

We have joint interests but we also enjoy separate activities (although I really do prefer doing things with Fred rather than without him).

But most of all, we respect each other; we talk, and we don’t take our relationship for granted.

Fred and Molly

Love has no desire but to fulfill itself.  To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.  To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving. ~ Kahlil Gibran (January 6, 1883 – April 10, 1931) was a Lebanese-American artist, poet, and writer.

I wake up every morning and go to bed every-night totally in love with the man next to me. I’ve never been happier or more full-filled.

For the first time I can be me… I look forward to the future – whatever that will bring. I’ve grown so much in the past couple of years that I can’t imagine that I was ever anyone different from who I am today, but I know that I am, and it feels great!

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I felt a great disturbance in the Force…

At 4:20 this afternoon, the world lost a brave and beautiful soul.

This blog is about “Life as I Know It”… sometimes Life as I know It… is not ideal.

In an ideal world, good people would live long and healthy lives, be able to raise their children, and grow old with the ones that they love.

M was a classmate of mine in High School. We were not “friends” – then.

While we had some common friends, we did not hang out in the same circles or have the same interests – at least that was my interpretation of things.

Some time after our 20 year reunion I got a friend request on Facebook. Looking back at the messages, it was December 2008.  Quite frankly I was surprised, so much so that I actually inquired as to “why” M was requesting the connection.

She responded that she was inspired by my relationship with my then husband (now WASband).  At the time of the reunion, we had been married for 13 years and he had been chronically ill with complications from his bone marrow transplant for over 12 years.  I had been married for 17 years when she contacted me – and I seriously doubt that had it not been for Facebook, we would have connected at all.

Ironically this was about the time that I was seriously considering ending my marriage.  I had done my best to keep it together but things had deteriorated to the point where there really was nothing left to salvage. M offered me perspective, from her perspective, as a person battling cancer and the complications associated with chronic and life threatening illness. I shared my perspective, as a spouse and caregiver.

M is the person who coined the term WASband. I stole it and I’m not giving it back!  We had a number of good laughs, a few cries, but even more so, I enjoyed getting to know M – as I really didn’t know her before.

As consistently shared on her Facebook page, she had a wicked sense of humor and a wonderful outlook on the every day circumstances of life.

We developed a friendship over the past few years.  Not the same type of friendship that she had with others… I can’t tell you what she liked most and I don’t have stories about her growing up, or even any real knowledge about her adult life.  I only know what we shared recently.  Mostly about love, life and living with “illness”. This was mostly via email – we tried numerous times to get together, when I was in town visiting and then after I moved back home. Our schedules just never seemed to mesh. That was okay.

We followed each others lives on Facebook and via our blogs.  I learned a lot from her strength and determination to live. Watched as she struggled and LIVED and LOVED her daughters and others. Generous, loving, caring, and thoughtful. What a legacy.

We all knew that this was coming. That there would be an end to her time here on earth. Of course we didn’t know when. It will happen to all of us at some point, but some people see it coming. 

I’m not sure which is better.  I’m not sure that if I am presented with the same view that I would have the strength and courage to live as she lived or to try as hard as she did to stay alive. I’ve seen what cancer does.  I’ve seen people survive and live, but I have seen many more die. I’ve seen what it does to families and experienced the results of the continual strain on relationships. Some relationships make it, many more don’t. Not for a lack of trying…

Facebook is an interesting medium.  To be as loved as M.  The sentiments, stories and love that has been poured upon her and her family. That is what is inspiring. There are many things that I did not know about her, but the person that I got to know via our emails and messages is someone who I truly admire and care about.

Sometimes, when we become adults, and the insecurities of being a teenager are gone, we really learn about who we are and get that second opportunity to meet people we once knew in a new and different way.

I am fortunate that I have some great friends.  Some people I have known my entire life, some for a long time and others for a very short period.  I am learning, and continue to learn the value of life.  Thankful for every day that I have and the people who I get to spend it with.

Thank you M for your strong and courageous life. For being who you are and sharing your life and strength with the rest of us.

Rest in Peace…

I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened. ―Obi-Wan Kenobi, referring to the destruction of Alderaan^[src]

Thankful for my life

7 weeks into my lifestyle change.

Other than waking up WAY too early everyday to get my workout in I keep thinking about the benefits gained over the past few weeks – down 22 lbs since 1/22, changed eating habits that included cutting out all soda (including diet), no more artificial sweeteners, no more commercially processed foods with additives or other junk.

Focusing on good fats, complex carbs and healthy proteins.

Not starving but eating a whole lot less food.

Focusing on gaining lean muscle and burning fat.

Am I going to with that Harley Fat Boy Lo? Most likely not, but has it been worth the journey – yes.

Working at keeping the weight off this time and considering my life is so much better now than it was a few short months ago my chance of success is much greater.

Besides my love Fred is the best partner and support system I could have ever hoped for.

Ain’t LOVE grand?!!!!

Why yes, yes it is!

I never realized that I could achieve a sustained sense of peace and happiness in a romantic relationship – until now (or relatively recently).

There is not a day that goes by that I do not wake up or go to bed thankful for the wonderful man who I have in my life.

He rocks my world!

I love that we love and appreciate each other for who we are.

I love that we show our gratitude for each other every day and in every way.

I love the time that we spend together – no matter what we are doing.

I LOVE you baby! Thank you for being YOU, and thank you for loving me.

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Crazy Busy… loving life…

I can’t believe how little time I am spending on my blog.  I’ve actually found that I am receding into my own little world again… too exhausted to even turn on my computer.

I actually had to make a point of getting on here tonight and as I stared at the screen, wondering what I would write about, I realized that I have let myself get bogged down in the every day trivial pursuits.

Seems like life is whizzing by at light speed and I cannot believe it is already February, almost March… where has time gone?!?!

So, what have I been up to?

Mainly working – seems like I am working A LOT.  Not only am I working my regular “day” job, I am spending time with Fred working on the F/V Taku (one day on the weekend) and when I am not doing that I am trying to keep up with bills, laundry, house chores (which is NOT going well), car maintenance…

My day job is mentally exhausting but sedentary.

The weekends on the F/V Taku are hard. I don’t know how Fred does it day in and day out 6 days a week.  It is hard, hard work.

My brother made a smart @ss response to Fred about my being responsible for the torch this past weekend… we had a difficult job of removing the very old tar paper from the hull of the boat.  Fred has already removed the outer skin and is working at replacing the rotted wood, packing material and fittings.

See, I didn’t burn the boat down…we (Fred really) scraped a good deal of gunk off of the hull… about 10′ by 4′ of area.  We still have to chip out the cement and rotted packing. It is crazy!  Today Fred started demolishing the house – he has plans for a bigger and better living area. Currently at about 100 sq feet, we may go up to 101 sq feet (hahaha)…

Did I mention that I am still working on simplifying my life and getting rid of material goods – really not getting very far on that endeavor.

Taking care of myself

For the past three weeks I have been getting up at 0500 and going to the gym.  While I haven’t lost very much weight (just about 4 lbs so far), I am still working to win that Fat Boy Lo. I am feeling really good. My body fat percentage is going down and I am toning up. So even if I don’t win the motorcycle I am making progress toward being healthier – and in the process I am getting in shape for my hiking trip this fall in the Grand Canyon. It feels good to be active again.

Finances

Fred and I have been working diligently on our budgeting and financial goals. I really didn’t want to declare bankruptcy but after the divorce I really didn’t have any other options. The bankruptcy is scheduled to be final in March. One step closer, continuing to move forward.

We’ve been following a financial plan and budget. We talk about every penny that we spend – together. How refreshing! He’s absolutely wonderful, in all aspects of our relationship.

Karma

I truly believe that all things come to their end, or beginning, in their own time.

Life is so awesome right now. I knew that if I sat back and didn’t focus on all of the crap I was dealing with, and how “unfair” it all seemed at the time,  I would be set free – able to enjoy my life. Finally.

There is just no sense in wallowing in the past. I have so much future to look forward to.

The best thing that I have done these past few months?

Let it go!!!! I’ve let it ALL go!!!

I am no longer angry or resentful. I wasn’t even phased by a snarky message sent to me by the WASband a few days ago (never mind he isn’t supposed to contact me AT ALL!)

No need to respond. I don’t have to acknowledge or expose him, he’ll do that on his own.

What’s next? I am interviewing at the end of this week for a different position in the organization where I work.  I am learning new things every day.  Challenging myself in new ways. Loving my life.

Life is so much easier when you have someone by your side who shares your dreams and goals.

One thing that I have learned is that I am not going to take what I have for granted.  Relationships take work – but they shouldn’t be hard.