My MOM

My MOM. LOVE her like crazy!

She is awesome!

I love that we can laugh and be silly together.

I feel blessed to be able to spend the time with her that I do. Work and life are busy but I like seeing her everyday and talking to her everyday.

We are two peas in a pod.

Love you momma, thank you for being you.

There are people….

And then there are PEOPLE.

There is a beautiful moon in the sky above Seattle tonight… not quite Full, but it will be by this time tomorrow night.

I was looking up at the sky (in awe), the moon looks so big and close you can almost touch it.

In the cold and clear and darkness of night, I couldn’t help but think of Michele.

I walked into the house and popped onto FaceBook to take a look at her page. She passed away on April 1, 2013.

I wanted to write her a note and let her (and her family) know that I was thinking about her.  I ran across a post on her Wall – for Michele « CoffeeJitters.

Michele was PEOPLE… even in the face of death she lived with grace, dignity and humor.

I have spent the majority of my adult life as a caregiver.

Not something that I begrudge. It has been and honor and a learning experience.

I’ve seen people come and people go. Families come together and break apart.

None of us knows when our time is “up”… we can only live each day to the best of our ability. Being the best we can be. Showing kindness to others and supporting those who are less fortunate than we are.

Some of the strongest and wealthiest people I have ever known were those who struggled the most and had the least. There is so much to learn from our everyday experiences.

Thank you Michele for being an example for the rest of us. I appreciate visiting your Facebook page and seeing the love notes that people leave for you.

You may not be “here” but you are here… and we are all better for having the opportunity to know you.

Don’t wast your time on people who suck your soul out of you. Life is too short. Invest your life in what matters, because in the end, what doesn’t matter… doesn’t matter.

How Does it Happen?

How does a smart, confident woman fall victim to a narcissist? ~ Victim of a Narcissist Turned Survivor

I used to ask myself this question – just a bit differently. How does a smart and confident woman end up in an abusive relationship?

Domestic abuse does not know anything about race, gender or social standing. It impacts every type of person you can think of. It impacted me – an educated middle class “white girl” from the suburbs who was raised by two happily married parents surrounded by loving and supportive family and friends.

A few years ago I started experiencing flashbacks.  An incident in my marriage triggered some long-buried issues from a previous relationship and the flood gates opened.

Horrific images. So horrific that I questioned if they were real.

Very few people actually know of the abuse. Something recently though has allowed me to talk about it more freely. You WILL NOT however get any details out of me.

At 19 years of age I met a guy… my first “adult” relationship. I didn’t even recognize what was happening – how I was being groomed.  Things changed gradually and before I knew it I was in my first abusive relationship.

5 years later I extricated myself from that situation.  I swore that I would not get into another relationship until I spent time getting to know myself again… 6 months later… I met “the love of my life”.  He was wonderful. Same family values, same stories, same goals and dreams.

Well, we ALL know how that one ended…

I have really enjoyed the peace and freedom of the past few months… WASband free and the divorce behind me.

A fabulous MAN in my life who is caring, vulnerable, loving and respectful. Oh, and he’s been the exact same person since the day that I met him. No facade’s. He is exactly who he says he is and his behaviors are consistent.

I do feel like I am moving forward and putting this behind me. I rarely think about the past anymore.

It actually hurts to think about this topic at all, but some people who I care about are experiencing some of the same things that I did and I wish that there was a way that I could help them through their own bit of hell.

I know that things work out in the end. I know because I survived and I am thriving and I know other women who have suffered who are also surviving.

I would not describe any of these people as victims. They are survivors. They are making changes in their lives even though the pain of changing is sometimes harder than the pain of staying in the abusive relationship.

It is difficult to believe that everything will be okay when you are in the midst of the storm. One thing to remember is that every storm eventually blows itself out.

All of the dirty tactics, manipulations, and machinations that we have or will experience are designed to wear us down.

I remember being so exhausted that I would break down, feeling like giving up. That is what the WASband wanted. He wanted me to feel defeated and wanted me to give in.

I see the same tactics being used against these other women. They are tired, frazzled and worn. Tired of trying to make it all go away. Tired of fighting a system that is not necessarily there to help them. They are working, taking care of their children and trying to protect them.

They are heroes.

Their hellish experiences will go away. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but they will go away.

Things that will help the process:

• Therapy – don’t be afraid to ask for help. It is better to seek the assistance of a mental health professional – an objective third-party. Therapists can assist you with getting your own thoughts and feelings together. I may not happen immediately, but it really does help.
• Learning what resources are available to you. There is help out there. Don’t expect to do it all on your own. This is difficult work and you need assistance.
• Rely on your friends and family. They will help and they will support you. Don’t be afraid to tell them what is happening, chances are they suspect the abuse already – they just may not know what to do about it or don’t want to interfere. If you are anything like I was, you are in denial.  When people would talk to me about the abuse I would deny it and make excuses for the WASbands poor behaviors. Who wants to admit that they have made a mistake… deal with it, we ALL make mistakes…
• Gather your resources and plan your escape. You can do this. As painful as the change may be (or be perceived to be) it will be worth it when you are free and safe and enjoying the peaceful life that you are longing for.

I still don’t really know HOW it happened but I do know how to keep it from happening again.

Related articles

• Understanding Domestic Violence and Abuse (sbstardust3.wordpress.com)
• Domestic abuse victim explains why it’s hard to leave (wisn.com)
• A view of violence: Survivors share how they overcame abusive relationships (onlineathens.com)
• Dr. Craig Malkin: Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships? (huffingtonpost.com)
• Lazy Brain and the Narcissistic Sociopath (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
• Being with a Narcissistic Sociopath – Part 1 (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
• Do Narcissist’s Ever Self Destruct (walkingnarcissists.wordpress.com)
• They Don’t Say ‘Survivor’ Anymore… (theclimbalifetime.com)
• I can’t imagine living in an abusive relationship (freethoughtblogs.com)
• Tips On How To Handle Abusive Relationships (conseillesrelations.wordpress.com)

And he’s OFF… With the MoHo

I just stole my girlfriends term “MoHo”… I always loved it when she wrote about her adventures and travel with her MoHo and her pets.

Well Wen, we’ve joined the ranks…

I would have written a post last night but we were busy all day finishing up yard work and then went to my brothers to pick up the motorhome.

Fred is on a timeline so we were up until 2 this morning cleaning and prepping our now 3rd home for occupancy.

3rd home you say? Yes.

Fred and I live with my mom, well, actually I live with my mom.

Fred spends most of his time living and working on the boat.

The F/V Taku has been in dry dock for the past few months and we splashed her last week and took her back to Bellingham.

She still has a lot of work left to be done and while she is under renovation for phase two, Fred be living in our “new” motor home.

It isn’t fancy, but it is clean and it runs. We were laying in the bed above the cab last night, trying it out, and noticed itsy bitsy ants crawling along one of the seems in the ceiling…

As I mentioned, the MoHo needs some work. Nothing I wouldn’t expect as it has been sitting for awhile.

Why does morning have to come soooo early?

It will be another late night tonight. Mom and I are transporting vehicles to Bellingham after work today.

Aristotle isn’t so sure about this latest development…

He’ll adjust though, he’ll just be glad to get back to the dock and see his girlfriends.

Missing my boys already!

Having fun with machinery… and living to tell about it…

It seems like Fred and I have been GOING GOING GOING for the past year or so.

I work my regular job Monday thru Friday and Fred works on the boat… day and night… then on the weekends I head to wherever Fred is or he comes home and we continue to work.  If we aren’t working on the boat we are working on motorcycles, or cars, or like today, working on getting things cleaned up and put away.

I still have four (4) crates of stuff to unpack that we shipped down from Alaska… a total waste of money.

For goodness sake, if I haven’t used the items in the crates in the year that we have been here I could have left it all behind… seriously.

I should have used the philosophy I have when packing for trips… pack, remove 1/2 of the items, pack again, repeat removal of 1/2 of the items.  If it can’t fit in one backpack then I don’t need it.  That usually works for me… usually. I really should have done this when we were moving. As it was I sold enough stuff to pay for our trip down here.

It is all going to end up at a Thrift Store or at the dump anyway and I only have until the end of the month to get it out of here… per mom.

And she’s right (yes mom, I said that you are right, as in CORRECT!), we have to do something with it, and soon!

Today, mom rented a big @ss wood chipper and Fred and I spent the day chewing things up.

We went from this (and more!)

To this

With this (and there were no injuries or dismemberment’s today)

and then it was time for this… A nice hot bubble bath and soak in the tub.

And now it is time for bed.

I really do love physical activity. It makes me feel good. I’m exhausted and sore but that is okay.

At least we enjoy doing things together.

Tomorrow is going to be another busy day. We have more yard work to do and then we are off to pick up a motor home for Fred to live in while he is in Bellingham working on the boat… at least until the house on the boat is finished.

It looks like every weekend from now until November will be filled with work… And that is different how?

How do you spend your weekends? Is it all work and no play or do you find time for FUN, fun, fun?

Related articles

• Then the fun part of owning a boat begun, The running costs of the boat. (jstarboatservices.wordpress.com)

 

I felt a great disturbance in the Force…

At 4:20 this afternoon, the world lost a brave and beautiful soul.

This blog is about “Life as I Know It”… sometimes Life as I know It… is not ideal.

In an ideal world, good people would live long and healthy lives, be able to raise their children, and grow old with the ones that they love.

M was a classmate of mine in High School. We were not “friends” – then.

While we had some common friends, we did not hang out in the same circles or have the same interests – at least that was my interpretation of things.

Some time after our 20 year reunion I got a friend request on Facebook. Looking back at the messages, it was December 2008.  Quite frankly I was surprised, so much so that I actually inquired as to “why” M was requesting the connection.

She responded that she was inspired by my relationship with my then husband (now WASband).  At the time of the reunion, we had been married for 13 years and he had been chronically ill with complications from his bone marrow transplant for over 12 years.  I had been married for 17 years when she contacted me – and I seriously doubt that had it not been for Facebook, we would have connected at all.

Ironically this was about the time that I was seriously considering ending my marriage.  I had done my best to keep it together but things had deteriorated to the point where there really was nothing left to salvage. M offered me perspective, from her perspective, as a person battling cancer and the complications associated with chronic and life threatening illness. I shared my perspective, as a spouse and caregiver.

M is the person who coined the term WASband. I stole it and I’m not giving it back!  We had a number of good laughs, a few cries, but even more so, I enjoyed getting to know M – as I really didn’t know her before.

As consistently shared on her Facebook page, she had a wicked sense of humor and a wonderful outlook on the every day circumstances of life.

We developed a friendship over the past few years.  Not the same type of friendship that she had with others… I can’t tell you what she liked most and I don’t have stories about her growing up, or even any real knowledge about her adult life.  I only know what we shared recently.  Mostly about love, life and living with “illness”. This was mostly via email – we tried numerous times to get together, when I was in town visiting and then after I moved back home. Our schedules just never seemed to mesh. That was okay.

We followed each others lives on Facebook and via our blogs.  I learned a lot from her strength and determination to live. Watched as she struggled and LIVED and LOVED her daughters and others. Generous, loving, caring, and thoughtful. What a legacy.

We all knew that this was coming. That there would be an end to her time here on earth. Of course we didn’t know when. It will happen to all of us at some point, but some people see it coming. 

I’m not sure which is better.  I’m not sure that if I am presented with the same view that I would have the strength and courage to live as she lived or to try as hard as she did to stay alive. I’ve seen what cancer does.  I’ve seen people survive and live, but I have seen many more die. I’ve seen what it does to families and experienced the results of the continual strain on relationships. Some relationships make it, many more don’t. Not for a lack of trying…

Facebook is an interesting medium.  To be as loved as M.  The sentiments, stories and love that has been poured upon her and her family. That is what is inspiring. There are many things that I did not know about her, but the person that I got to know via our emails and messages is someone who I truly admire and care about.

Sometimes, when we become adults, and the insecurities of being a teenager are gone, we really learn about who we are and get that second opportunity to meet people we once knew in a new and different way.

I am fortunate that I have some great friends.  Some people I have known my entire life, some for a long time and others for a very short period.  I am learning, and continue to learn the value of life.  Thankful for every day that I have and the people who I get to spend it with.

Thank you M for your strong and courageous life. For being who you are and sharing your life and strength with the rest of us.

Rest in Peace…

I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened. ―Obi-Wan Kenobi, referring to the destruction of Alderaan^[src]

Thankful for my life

7 weeks into my lifestyle change.

Other than waking up WAY too early everyday to get my workout in I keep thinking about the benefits gained over the past few weeks – down 22 lbs since 1/22, changed eating habits that included cutting out all soda (including diet), no more artificial sweeteners, no more commercially processed foods with additives or other junk.

Focusing on good fats, complex carbs and healthy proteins.

Not starving but eating a whole lot less food.

Focusing on gaining lean muscle and burning fat.

Am I going to with that Harley Fat Boy Lo? Most likely not, but has it been worth the journey – yes.

Working at keeping the weight off this time and considering my life is so much better now than it was a few short months ago my chance of success is much greater.

Besides my love Fred is the best partner and support system I could have ever hoped for.

Easily entertained…

It is nearly 9 PM and my normal bed time is fast approaching.  I need to get a good nights sleep because we have a very busy day tomorrow.

As I sit here pondering the evening I am struck at just how much laughing I am doing. And even more so how I actually get to have “evenings” and how I do not have to work in the evenings any more.

My evenings used to consist of working and grading… now they are about family and fun.

It’s just me, mom and Fred, and the dog and the cat. TV on in the background.  Me on my computer, mom playing on her iPhone and I think her Kindle too. Fred’s in the kitchen cooking.

I’m also distracted and “multi-tasking”… on my computer.

Tot is helping me with this blog post

Picking up the house (mainly the  bathroom) – it is about time I actually get some “other” work done.

Prepping the potato salad…

Having a conversation with my mom and Fred as he makes smoked salmon potato salad for our work party tomorrow at the F/V Taku.

Almost done…

Surfing the internet and having multiple simultaneous conversations on FaceBook

• Chickens or no chickens… that is the question
  • Backyard poultry
• The “new” household intercom (cell phones)
• Weather (winter storms)
• Catching up with old friends.

Fred nearly had a “wardrobe malfunction” but fortunately he fixed that before mom got too much of an eyeful.

All I have left to do before heading to bed is planning out next weeks meals. I found a cool feature on my FitBit Dashboard tonight… I knew it was there but I finally decided to do something about it.  I can download my weekly statistics and food log to Excel where I can then print it out and share it with my Curves Coach. Woo hoo…

Well, it is definitely past my bedtime.

Looking forward to the weekend, even if it does include hard work on the F/V Taku.

#IdleNoMore – Prayer Circle and PEACEful Rally, Seattle, WA 01/12/2013

IDLE NO MORE @ Peace Arch International Park 01/05/2013

Very few things touch my heart as deeply as friends and family.

Nothing touches my heart more than being with friends and family in a loving and supportive environment.

Outside of my own family I rarely experience the type of love and camaraderie as I do with my Native and Canoe Families.

I posted yesterday about Fred and my plans to attend the Idle No More event at the Peace Arch International Park on the US/Canadian Boarder at Blaine, WA.

We arrived a few minutes late and I was a bit worried because the parking lot on the US side was practically empty.

We chose to attend and demonstrate our support of our Canadian brothers and sisters. At first I thought we may be in the wrong place.

We rounded the corner of the parking lot and the sight was beautiful… I have no idea how many people were in attendance, but it felt great!

I actually shed a few tears today when I ran into some Canadian family at the IDLE NO MORE Peace Arch rally.

It is hard to explain how wonderful it was to stand in the same space and know that we did not have to go through customs and immigration to be together.

Some of my favorite people… love my Canadian family

People keep asking what IDLE NO MORE is about:

History of Idle No More

History of Idle No More Grassroots Movement

Idle No More began with 4 ladies; Nina Wilson, Sylvia McAdam, Jessica Gordon & Sheelah McLean who felt it was urgent to act on current and upcoming legislation that not only affects our First Nations people but the rest of Canada’s citizens, lands and waters.

The focus is on grassroots voices, treaty and sovereignty, it began in the early part of October when discussing Bill C 45.  All 4 women knew that this was a time to act, as this bill and other proposed legislation would affect not only Indigenous people but also the lands, water and the rest of Canada.
With the focus on the most urgent bill knowing it would initiate attention to all other legislation, the 4 ladies held rallies and teach-ins to generate discussion and provide information. They then decided a nation wide event was garnered so all could participate, thus, The National Day of Solidarity & Resurgence was called for December 10th, 2012, to oppose all legislation and to build solidarity while asserting inherent rights and nationhood while protecting our lands for all people.

These colonial forms of legislation that the government expects to unilaterally impose on us has brought us together, to stand together – Jessica Gordon (http://www.idlenomore.com/ History)

The movement is growing and it is raising awareness across the globe. As it should.

This event was extremely organized and well run.  The “agenda” was perfect:

DRAFT SCHEDULE FOR PEACE ARCH
12:30 arrive at Peace Arch Parking – watch out for Semiahmoo First Nations traffic helpers who will assist with parking locations.
12:45 pm: Grand Entry style march into the park for all. Women in front, singing women’s warrior song, men and everyone to follow. All drummers drumming, singing. Show your signs.
1:00: Committee welcome, introduction of our speaker.
-Opening prayer
-Salish opening welcoming songs.
-Territorial Welcome by Joanne Charles of the Semiahmoo First Nation
-Bill C45 statement
-Speaker: Chief Stewart Phillip
-Big Drum- 2 songs – Round Dance & a Straight song?
-Northwest Coast Speaker, & hand drumming, singing
-Metis representation
Other speakers to be announced
Drumming Singing! Woot!
Closing prayer, committee thank you

The only thing that could have been improved upon was the ability to hear the speakers. It was nearly impossible to hear what was being said but we did our best.

There was a lot of singing and drumming. A lot. It was fabulous!

What is not so fabulous? HATRED AND BIGOTRY! Seriously people, do your research.

Before spewing stereotypical BS, learn about the issues and the rights of the people who are the First Nations people.  Treaties were made for a reason. This is different from the spoils of war. Learn about the injustice committed against the people who occupied this land LONG before the settlers arrived on these shores.

It is actually quite sickening to read the comments associated with newspaper articles and posts on social networking sites from those who have no real understanding of what the issues really are.

I am a guest on these lands, even though I was born here.

The treatment that I have witnessed toward our Native brothers and sisters is nothing short of criminal. Yes, people have to help themselves, but beating them down again and again and expecting them to rise above it all is not realistic.

There were many signs of support today and from all types of people.

It was wonderful to see the variety of people at the event today. It was wonderful to be in a place where people can share and support each other.

We love our family and we support the cause…

On a final note… As I was looking through my photos from this afternoon I noticed the inscription on the Peace Arch…

Oh, the irony of it all…

Question?

What do you know about this movement?

What are your thoughts about what is happening? (If your response is respectful and researched I will post it, even if I disagree with your statements – please support your statements.)

Related articles

• Idle No More keeps up the pressure with mass rally at Peace Arch Provincial Park (theprovince.com)
• Aboriginal women, children gather at Peace Arch border rally (vancouversun.com)
• Local Idle No More rallies to continue despite Harper’s decision to meet native leaders (vancouversun.com)
• Idle No More movement will grow in 2013, says Union of B.C. Indian Chiefs (theprovince.com)
• Idle No More: Native Peoples Challenge Canada’s Gutting of Environmental Laws (progressive.org)